Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.

- I'll go get some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.

- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!

- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.

- I did it - he bellows.

- What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly:

- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience:

- Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?

and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?

and 3 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?

and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says:

- what was it like?

and he said:

- Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!

and she asked:

- Really?? So the ghost was good??

and the old man said:

- GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

- What's the matter? - asked his wife.

- Did I hurt you?

- No - replies the man.

- but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

Why do blondes have legs?
→ So they don't get stuck to the ground.
→ To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
→ So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover:

- Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says:

- I don't feel anything.

Bruce says:

- Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says:

- I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.

Bruce starts singing:

- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting:

- Your mom's the best sex in town!

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says:

- I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces:

- Your mom liked it!

Finally the guy interrupts:

- Go home, Dad, you're drunk!

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him:

- Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?

The boy replies:

- Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?

The father says:

- Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..

The boy says:

- Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.

The father replies:

- So what difference dis make?

To which the son says:

- Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours!

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!