Random joke from this category
Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.
Then she wispered in his ear:
- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.
Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:
- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said:
- How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.
The doc said:
- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said:
- You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before.
He tore off his pants and said:
- Look at this. It's still in the crate!
Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts:
- SCREW THE CHILDREN!!
Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts:
- YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?
What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.
- Mother, Mother! - cried the girl.
- He says that we should sleep together!
- It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.
"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
- Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!
- It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
- Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!
- Stand back, girl! - says the mother.
- This is a job for a real woman!
An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.
The director asked the young man his name.
- Penis van Lesbian - the man replied proudly.
- Well - said the director.
- we'll have to change that.
- Oh - the young man said.
- I could never change my name. It's my heritage.
- Well - said the director.
- if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business.
The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.
- Do you remember me - asked the young man?
- Yes, I do - said the director.
- I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.
- Well, I finally took your advice - the young man said.
- I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.
- I told you so - the director replied.
- And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?
- Dick van Dyke.
There were three girls in a bar. One girl says...
- I can get a whole hand up my cunt!
Then the second girl says:
- well, I can get a whole foot up mine!
Finally, the other girl says:
- I don't mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says:
- Well, let me tell you a little story.
- I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp.
- I rub it, and a genie popped out.
- I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy.
- Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.
The barman asks:
- So what about that little guy in your jacket?
- Oh, that - mumbles the rich guy.
- That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for.
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks:
- Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?
- Of course, Son, we're a family.
So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey - this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!
Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
→ So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
