Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies.

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO." Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented:

- There's no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We've got to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton's, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said:

- Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?

- That doesn't prove anything - the woman countered.

- Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

- The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.

- Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

- I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

- Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

- Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said:

- Hey, that's a nice donkey you got there. I think I'll take it.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a donkey, that's an ass.

So, the man said:

- Okay, then, I'll take the ass. Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said:

- I like that chicken. I'll take it too.

The farmer replied:

- That is a pullet.

So the man said:

- Okay, I'll take the pullet.

He was looking at a rooster and said:

- Well, I guess I'll take the rooster, too.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a rooster, it's a cock.

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man's truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him:

- Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he'll go again.

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says:

- Can I help you?

The man replies:

- Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says:

- I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.

The second guy says:

- I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids.

The third guy says:

- I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker.

They turn to the woman and ask her:

- What are you?

She replies:

- I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

- EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

- SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

- CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

- TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

- INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

- CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

- WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

- FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

- ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

- CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

- SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

- PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

- DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

- TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

- EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

- FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

- LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

- DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

- DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

- CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

- RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.