Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.

His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.

He'll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim:

- Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?

When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act:

- Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!

What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
→ ET - The extra testicle!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window...

- Young lady - he began - I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh - he began - and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say - he continued - if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him:

- inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one.

Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him.....

- what happened? - Mark asks shakily.

- Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital.

- Why do my privates hurt so bad? - Mark asked anxiously.

John replies:

- Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.

There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him.
Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

What's the definition of unlikely?
→ A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.

Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.

The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.

The Good Fairy said:

- you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing.

The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said:

- this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says:

- For the woman I love

and the second:

- For my best friend.

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.

It's always fun to ask at the reception:

- What time's the grand opening?

Or after the honeymoon:

- Glad to see you back on your feet.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:

- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said:

- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied:

- Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said...

- No. Just up to my boobs.