Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
→ In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman:

- I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests:

- Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.

She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman:

- That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...

- How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:

- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said:

- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.

She smiled at him and said:

- So what are you thinking now?

He said:

- I think I did a pretty good job!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:

- I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:

- Mama needs new clothes!

Then she hollered:

- YES! YES! I WON! I WON!

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:

- What did she roll?

The other answered:

- I thought YOU were watching!

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one and asked:

- How'd you get such lovely blonde hair?

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered:

- It's natural.

The guy walked by the second girl and asked:

- How'd you get such pretty brown hair?

Fluffing her hair, the second girl said:

- It's natural.

Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked:

- How'd you get such cool green hair?

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said:

- It's natural.

Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?
→ To keep the swelling down.

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

- What happened to you? - asked Bill.

- Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

- My God, what did you tell them? - asks Clinton.

The driver replies:

- I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig.

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:

- What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said:

- Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

- Well - says Mr. Big.

- What did he say?

She says he said:

- Fuck You!

Mr. Big replied:

- You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied:

- He said Fuck You!