Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?
→ Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
→ One squeeze and they're all over you.

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked:

- Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded:

- There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.

The woman responded:

- PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied:

- Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...

10. She's a goblin!
11. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
12. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies:

- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?

The Teacher says:

- Of course not Johnny,

To which Johnny replies:

- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
→ Her boyfriend was also blonde.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening:

- A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex.

Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.

- How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?

- Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says:

- Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says:

- All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says:

- Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Her mommy is very shocked! She asks:

- Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says:

- I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks:

- Where did you learn that?

The little girl says:

- I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

- Don't be afraid, darling - said the man:

- Wait until I tell you about this.

- Get out of here! - cried his wife:

- And take that sex maniac with you!

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!