Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

* The Correct Answers *

1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty dollar bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. last name

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ - It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
→ A foursome.

What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
→ A rebel without a clue!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
→ Last year's hide and seek champ.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
→ Divorced.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
→ A space invader.

What do you call a really smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
→ There I am!!

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
→ Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
→ Her IQ goes up.

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold that pose."33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."20. "That's what you call erect?"19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."7. "Let's make a sandwich."6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

What do you call a masterbating bull?
→ Beef strokin'off.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says:

- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

- Who the heck's that? - she says.

- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.

- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.

- Now get it right or I'll report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off:

- No way that's Paul Mccartney - she says.

- It bloody well is - says the man.

- Listen I'll get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...:

- Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice):

- I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

- Tell her it's ok - says John.

- I already did them by hand.

Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!