Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered.

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned - he began.

- I have stolen.

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in:

- Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady:

- What does Father John give for a blow job?

- $12.50 if I take me teeth out.

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.

What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!

And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!

And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

- Cindy, you have sinned.

An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman's distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson's disease"

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says:

- Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.

The man smiles and says:

- Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns:

- Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms.

The man chuckles:

- Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says:

- My cock is longer than that cat's tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says:

- Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?

- From the asshole. - says the bartender.

- Well, kindly do me the same favor.

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

- Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
→ The joystick is wet.

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!