Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:

- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.

The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:

- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.

The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:

- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.

- You married a nurse.

- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.

- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.

- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.

- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.

- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.

- Did you have a fight?

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:

- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.

- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:

- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered:

- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says:

- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:

- Do you want them mounted?

Blushing, she said:

- No. Holding hands will be fine.

Boss asks secretary:

- Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?

- No - says the secretary.

- Great, Let's do lunch. - the boss says.

Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?
→ Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:

- coats and jackets.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:

- cooking.

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:

- grandpa and grandma.

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says:

- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

What's the definition of strain?
→ Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him:

- Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?

- Other guy - Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

- See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying:

- I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said:

- I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.

- First guy - Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:

- Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

- But I accidentally said:

- You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!