Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks:

- Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern:

- Of course not!

The drunk man replies.......

- Oh, then it must be your feet.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!!!

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.. Do you have a piece of gum?

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says:

- You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says:

- You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo started complaining. He said:

- I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.

The 70 year old then said:

- I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said:

- I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

- My only problem is that...

- I don't wake up until noon!

Whats the square root of 69?
→ EIGHT something

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No. "] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?13. Can I flirt with you?14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?18. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?27. So. . . How am I doin'?28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Wuz de night befo Crismus
An all ober de hood
Everybody wuz sleepin'
Day wuz sleepin' good.
Everbody wuz sleepin'
all tight in they beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced in they heads
I was passed out on de flo
Right next to my Ma
When I heard such a fuss
I thinked:

- It must be de law!!

I looked out tru de barz
dat covered my do
Spectin' de sherif
with a warrant fo sho!

Now ober de years
Sanny Claws, he be white.
But it lookin' like us bros
got a black Sanny dis night
Now what I did see
made me say:

- LAWD Lood at dat!

It was a huge watermellon cadi
pulled by dwarf rats
Faster than a po-lice car
True de air he came
an whupped up on dem warf rats
an called emm by name.
On Leroy, on Kendrick,
On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious
They was a sight to see
He didn't go down no chimbly-
just picked de lock on my do'
An I says to myself:

- Shit! He done did befo'!

He had a big sack
full of presents I spect
With Air Jordans and Fake Gold
to go 'round my neck.
But he didn't leave any presents-
just started steelin' my shit
He got my drugs, my stoled guns
an even my burglars kit!

With his sack on his back
Out de winder he flew
I sho woulda catched 'em,
but he stole my knife too!

He jumped on dat watermelon cadi
and pulled out a switch
He was gone in a second
dat son-of-a-bitch
I sho hope nex year
a white Sanny we git'
Cause de black Sanny Claws
jus' ain't wuf a shit!!