Random joke from this category
An old man went into confession and told the priest:
- Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.
- I see - said the priest.
- When was the last time you were in confession?
- Never, Father - replied the old man.
- I'm Jewish
- So why are you telling me?
- I'm telling everybody!
Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
- Hello, hello, hello! - he screamed at them.
- Aren't you talking to me? - his missus snapped.
Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff. Hillary says to Chelsea:
- My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I'm so proud!
Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question:
- Say, I was just wondering since you're all grown up now. Have you, um, had sex yet?.
Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds:
- Um, not according to dad.!
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.
- I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over.
The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
- A female horth - the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
- Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
- Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
- OK, what about the earsth?
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
- OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat.
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says:
- Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!
In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where was the blonde??? She was still racing!
When she got to the finish line...she said:
- THEY CHEATED!!
The Judge said:
- how??
The dumb blonde screamed...
- THEY USED THEIR ARMS!
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:
- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?
- I had tolio as a child - he answered.
- You mean polio? - she asked.
- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.
- They're all lumpy and deformed!
- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.
- You mean measles? - she asked.
- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
- Don't tell me - she said.
- Let me guess.. Smallcox?
On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.
- That's thoughtful, darling - she cooed - but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes.
The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:
- What do you like best about it?
- The artwork - says Robert.
- Very good. And you, Peter?
- Tits!
- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?
- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.
