Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

- My darling - he replied.

- think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Two friends in a Bar:

- JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?

- JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
12. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
13. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
14. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
15. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
16. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
17. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
18. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
19. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - said the Major.

He went to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!

- Wife: Who was that on the phone?

- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

- Wife: What did he say?

- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...

Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think:

- Shit! But I am the husband!

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says:

- Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies:

- That, son, is the elephant's trunk.

- No, at the other end.

- That, son is the tail.

- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies:

- That's nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

- Daddy, what is that long thing?

- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.

- No at the other end.

- Oh, that is the tail.

- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.

- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?

- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.

- I tell you, I spoil that woman ... - replies the father.