Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.

- Leave only one quart of milk - she said.

- Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says:

- You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!

And the farmer says:

- Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then:

- Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!

And the farmer says:

- Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.

So the patent officer does and he's like:

- Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says:

- Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?

- Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!

- And you like it, right?

- Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy - says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says:

- OK, then take a bite, right there

So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

- Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT! - & the farmer says:

- shoot,... I'm sorry, flip it over & try the other side!

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says:

- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said:

- Dad look what I made.

So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said:

- I only asked for a convertable.

The dad replied:

- the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! - she screamed.

- Funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her.