Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Confucius says: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

A man calls his wife and says to her:

- Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers.

- Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door:

- So honey, how was your fishing trip?

- It was great... - the husband answers.

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.

- No I didn't - said his wife.

- They were in your tackle box.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!

- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.

- Hold the club gently - the pro replied:

- just like you'd hold your wife's breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.

- What can I do? - asks the wife.

- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

- That was great - the pro says.

- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to! - says the pro.

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said:

- I've got to take a crap.

The other said:

- Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.

The first one said:

- But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass.

The other blonde replied:

- You have a dollar, don't you?

The first one said:

- Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked:

- What in the hell happened to you?

The first one replied:

- Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?

The kid ran out of the burlesque show.

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said:

- My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!

What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

She said:

- Well, he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish.

And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said:

- Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question:

- What would you like to do with his body?

The gay man reesponded:

- Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily:

- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.

To which he replied:

- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Fine - she says:

- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.

- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.

- Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

- Honey, how'd this all get fixed?

She said:

- Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.

He said:

- So, what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied:

- Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says:

- Grandma, what's that?!?

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies:

- That's my beaver, Johnny.

"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him.

- Mom, what's that? - asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says:

- Johnny, that's my beaver.

Johnny replies:

- I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!

The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.

- Do you have something in mind? - she asked.

- I certainly do, ma'am - the American emphatically replied - That's why I want a nice gift.