Random joke from this category
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine:
- If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?
The second Marine said:
- I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?
The first Marine replied:
- I would stand very still for half an hour.
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said:
- Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says:
- Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says:
- Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!
A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.
The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.
The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.
The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.
The bartender, his plans foiled, asks:
- You don't want the usual?
She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head:
- No. Coors makes my pussy sore!
A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.
He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said:
- I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him.
The farmer said:
- Help yourself, the hens are out in the back.
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said:
- You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts, - he explained.
- That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick, as I beat my wife!
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:
- No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!
- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.
- Hold the club gently - the pro replied - just like you'd hold your wife's breast.
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:
- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.
- What can I do? - asks the wife.
- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
- That was great - the pro says with a straight face.
- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed:
- Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!
- Darling - the wife said, spitting out her gag.
- I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
→ The Scenic Root.
- Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
- Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.
- Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)
- Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
- Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.
- Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.
- Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.
- Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.
- Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."
- Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)
- Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
- Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.
- Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.
- Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."
- Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
