Random joke from this category
A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.
The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.
To which the boy replies:
- GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE!!!!
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."
The Perfect Day According To:
HER
- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 Light breakfast
- 11:00 Sunbathe
- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 Shopping
- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 Make love
- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
- 10:00 Wake up
- 10:02 Oral sex
- 10:10 Big Breakfast
- 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 Enormous lunch
- 3:15 Oral sex
- 3:25 Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
- 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 Oral sex
- 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
- 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
- 11:10 Sleep
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
- Hold on there, partner - said the snake
- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:
- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.
The rattlesnake said:
- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:
- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said:
- I need this dress cleaned.
The man said:
- Come again?
Monica replied:
- No, it's just mustard.
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
- My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure - she lamented to the woman next to her.
- Well - the lady replied.
- what's wrong with that?
- He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings.
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
- Private - the officer said
- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.
- Warehouses? - the private shouted.
- I thought you said whorehouses!
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".
She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."
How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.
The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"
"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."
Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.
"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"
Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.
"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"
Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.
"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.
"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".
"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"
So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen...
"Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."
"Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.
Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."
Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back.
"Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.".
"Thank you, Father".
Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."
Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst... Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"
The boy replies...
"A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"
One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
- What?
- I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet.
So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
The mom said:
- Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet.
- No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!
