Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
→ Spit, swallow and gargle.

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
→ Who cares?

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter dick?
→ Nothing.... They all make your eyes water.

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says:

- I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!

The Madam is astonished:

- But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies:

- Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick.

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other:

- Darling, do you remember the minuet?

The other replies:

- Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked:

- Did I screw up the cooking...?

- No, - the cowboy replied, - you cooked up the screwing.

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.

He says:

- When did you start wearing them?

To which the other man replies:

- Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car.

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

- Oh, thank you! - said the elephant.

- My, pleasure ma'am. - said the sparrow.

- Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

The sparrow said:

- Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant.

- Be my guest! - said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

- OUCH! - said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said:

- Am I hurting you, dear?

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

- HA - he snorted.

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!