Random joke from this category
Here's a sick one...
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says:
- Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other:
- Do you ever get to feeling horny?
- Yes - her friend replied.
- What do you do about it?
- I usually suck on a Lifesaver.
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked:
- Well, what beach do you go to?
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
→ Self-employed
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said:
- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
The priest said:
- Confess your sins and be forgiven.
The young woman said:
- Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.
The priest thought long and hard and then said:
- Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.
The young woman asked:
- Will this cleanse me of my sins?
The priest said:
- NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face.
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say:
- Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!
The six-year-old says to his brother:
- He must be fucking her up the ass!
Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastes.
The first guy said:
- I think it tastes like cherry pie.
The other guy said:
- I think it tastes like shit.
Then the first guy said:
- You are supposed to turn her over.
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously:
- What ya doin' dad?
His father qiuckly replied:
- I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed. - to which Little Johnny replied:
- What ya gonna do, fuck him?
There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.
One guy said:
- just name it a pub.
Another said:
- just name it the bar.
The thrid guy said:
- name it Suzy's Legs.
The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.
The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?
He replied...nothing officer...:
- just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!
This guy goes into a doctors and says:
- Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!
- Well how often do you have it? - the doctor asks.
- Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day - he answers back.
- That's not so much - says the doctor.
- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day - replies the man.
- Well that is probably a bit excessive - says the doctor.
- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day - says the man.
- Well, that's definitely to much - says the doctor.
- You've got to learn to take yourself in hand. - I do - says the man.
- Twice a day.
What's an Australian kiss?
→ The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
