Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
29. You know you should wear a condom on that woody.

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole to make her squeal with delight?
→ Give him a raise.

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:

- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

- Well - the husband replied - There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was:

- Darling, I've got a big surprise for you - at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.

- Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise - said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

- Hmmmmm - she said softly.

- that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. she asks him:

- What do you want, sonny?

- Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night - he answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door.

- Who's out there? Does he look decent? - they ask.

Gladys says:

- It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on.

The other two spinsters giggle and say:

- The hell with what color it is...let him in!

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces themself.
→ Walks home.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilised.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
→ Unfertilised.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license?
→ The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An Air Bag.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
→ Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
→ Bucket seats.

What do Blondes say after sex?
→ Thanks Guys.
→ Are you boys all in the same band/team?
→ Do you guys all play for the Rams?

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
→ The spread eagle.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:

- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!

- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.

- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?

- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.

- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!

- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."