Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
→ You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says:

- Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks:

- What is your occupation?

The woman replies:

- I'm a whore.

The accountant balks and says:

- No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.

The woman:

- Ok, I'm a prostitute.

- No, that is still too crude. Try again.

They both think for a minute, then the woman states:

- I'm a chicken farmer.

The accountant asks:

- What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?

- Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said:

- I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on:

- Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . .

The repairman could hardly speak:

- Yes yes!

- And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .

- Yes yes!

- Would you help me move the refrigerator?

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

- Doctor, I need your help. My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?

- Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?

- Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!

- Er... Why don't you take a lover?

- I have! I still don't get enough.

- Take another lover.

- I did. In fact, I have eight lovers, and I still don't get enough sex!

- Gosh, that's an anomaly.

- Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
→ An infected pussy on your organ.

- I'm in love with my horse - the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

- Nothing to worry about - the psychiatrist consoled.

- Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to.

- But, doctor - continued the troubled patient.

- I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse.

- Hmmm - the doctor asked.

- Is it male or female?

- Female, of course! - the man replied.

- What do you think I am...

GAY???

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says:

- Get gas and free sex here.

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.

- Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex - said the cashier.

- Uh, okay, 3! - the man replied.

- Nope! Sorry, play again.

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

- This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex! - He screamed.

- Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry - she said.

- Stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to. - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband asked as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue. - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the "statue."

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here. - he said to the 'statue.'

- Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.