Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.

His girl asked:

- Honey don't your ears ever get cold?

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. After a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After another while the irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?' She says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.'

What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??
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One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.

He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.

"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, he explained:

- Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!

- Now wait a minute, professor - interrupted a student.

- Castration? That's absurd!

- Yes young man, it's sadly true - replied the professor smugly.

- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.

Without preamble the hooker says:

- I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job.

- $500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous! - the man exclaimed.

- No hand job in the world could be worth $500!

The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.

- See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands.

Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker:

- God, that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?

- $2500 - the hooker replied.

- $2500 for a blowjob? - cried the astonished man.

- That's way too much!

Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street.

- Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth.

- Oh no - moans the man.

- this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it.

Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says:

- I just have to know. How much do you get for pussy?

The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims:

- Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.

He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.

When they're done, he said:

- I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good.

The hooker replied:

- Your foreplay ain't all that hot either.

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says:

- Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse.

- But Father, I have a divine right - she informs.

- Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church! - he insists.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"