Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop making love down there!

- What's the matter with you? - the husband said when the sailor climbed down.

- We weren't making love.

- Sorry - said the sailor - From up there it looked like you were.

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself:

- By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makin' love down there!

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

- What happened to you feet? - his wife asked.

- I had a childhood disease called tolio.

- Don't you mean polio?

- No, tolio, it only affects the toes.

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

- What happened to your knees? - she asked.

- Well, I also had kneesles.

- Don't you mean measles?

- No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said:

- Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

- I've got a beaut cure for a headache, - said his mate Trev. - Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

- Did you try my headache cure? - asked Trev.

- Yeah, - said Phil, - worked great! Your house is nice, too!

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick are perched near the front door of the girls' dorm. Several plain Janes walk by as the two converse.

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and -- barely audibly -- inquires:

- Tickle your ass with a feather?

The young beauty -- startled by what she thinks she heard -- exclaims:

- What?!

Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats:

- Typical nasty weather?

- Oh - she demures.

- Yes - and goes on her way.

More young lovelies walk by and the scene is repeated.

- Tickle your ass with a feather?

- What?

- Typical nasty weather?

Finally, Romeo delivers his line:

- Tickle your ass with a feather? and his prospect stops, smiles and invites him up to her room.

Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention, decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likely prospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out:

- Cram a feather up your ass?

Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to which he replies:

- Looks like rain!

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
→ When you find a string in your bloody mary.

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. - HA! - he snorted:

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest! - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....

AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...

IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Did you hear about the hooker that had her appendix taken out?
→ Now she does business on the side!

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house,
He come to house.

He and she leave house,
I follow.

He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.

He kiss she,
she kiss he.

He strip she,
she strip he.

I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,
Chen Lee