Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest - said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest - said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground - said the youngest daughter.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorilla's cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.

- Are you hurt? - she asks.

She replies:

- Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man.

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks:

- well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience.

So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter.

- I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts - he says.

- Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars - the pimp replies.

But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong...

- Hey! You had three breasts yesterday... - he says after which she smiles and says:

- What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

- Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?

Mrs Smith replied:

- Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me.

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?

- Oh - sighed Judy:

- I had a wonderful time.

- I thought as much - her mother remarked:

- Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says:

- Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone.

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says:

- Let's stop up and see that guy.

The other girl says:

- Gee... do you think he'd remember us?

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.