Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that!!!"

The salesman said, "Why not?" and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics.

Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
→ Bonds mature.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . . "

• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
• On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

How do thunderstorms invest their money?
→ In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

- I hate paying my income tax.

- You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?

- I'd like to but they insist on money

Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
→ Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.