Blonde Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde part their hair?
→ (Action of scissoring legs apart)

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
→ It swells at night.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just dyed her hair.
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
→ When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
→ The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
→ She liked kids...

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes like lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
→ They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

A blonde began a job as a Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie."

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

"I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try."

"I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

"I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately.

The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man. Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

How do blondes get pregnant?
→ And you thought blondes were dumb.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
→ The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.

But why do brunettes take the pill?
→ Wishful Thinking.

Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
→ Because her boyfriend was also blond!

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
→ The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
→ A blonde parade.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
→ You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
→ Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
→ You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
→ There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
→ They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been spotted.

What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
→ It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

161. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     → Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     → Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Why do blondes have legs?
     → So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     → To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     → So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
164. Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
     → It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
165. What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
     → The Blonde!
166. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
     → Flattered.
167. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     → They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
168. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?
     → They went to see "Closed for the Season"
169. What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
     → 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
170. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     → An interpreter.
171. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     → A mental block.
172. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     → A wind tunnel.
173. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
     → An air mattress.
174. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     → A dope ring.
175. What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
     → Sweet Fuck All...
176. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
     → Frosted Flakes.
177. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     → Air bubbles.
178. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     → Frosted Flakes.
179. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     → Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
180. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     → A Space Invader.

Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
→ Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
→ Too many blondes were drowning.

Why do blonds have square boobs?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
→ 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
→ Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
→ The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
→ Proofreading.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ For throwing out the W's.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
→ The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
→ They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

What's the Blonde's cheer?
→ "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She kept having affairs with men!

What does a blonde owl say?
→ What, what?

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How does a blonde kill a fish?
→ She drowns it.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
→ Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
→ "Nice tits!"

How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
     Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
     Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
     Blonde: Yes.
     Operator: The power in the house in on?
     Blonde: Of course.
     Operator: And the switch is on?
     Blonde: Yes, yes.
     Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
     Blonde: No, it's working fine.
     Operator: Then what's the problem?
     Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.
233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
240. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

201. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
     → A blond electrician
202. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     → So brunettes can remember them.
     → Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
203. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde????
     → She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
204. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     → Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     → A thought.
206. Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
     → Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
207. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
     → She realized she gave her last blowjob.
208. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     → She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
209. Why did they call the blond twinkie?
     → She liked to be filled with cream.
210. What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     → Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
211. Why do blondes have periods?
     → They deserve them
212. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     → "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
213. Why are blondes like cornflakes?
     → Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
214. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
     → You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
215. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     → Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
216. How does a blonde hold her liquor?
     → By the ears.
217. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
     → Change.
218. How does a blonde moonwalk?
     → She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
219. What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
     → A brain tumor.
220. Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
     → Because you don't have to marry them for sex!