Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

Where do you find a no legged dog?
→ Right where you left him.

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!

A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
"Why are you doing that?" asked his neighbour.
"It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied.
"But we don't get elephants round here!"
"I know - good stuff isn't it!"

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
→ Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
→ Squashed!

Who lost a herd of elephants?
→ Big bo peep!

What is an elephants favorite film?
→ Elephantasia

What do elephants say as a compliment?
→ You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
→ Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
→ One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!

What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
→ I don't know!
→ Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!

What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
→ One rarely bites and the other barely writes!

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
→ Try picking them up!

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
→ You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
→ Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
→ About 3,000 miles!

What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
→ A gooseberry is green!

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!

Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!

How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!

Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

- So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

- Yes - their dog is our dog's brother.