Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call an ant with frogs legs?
→ An antphibian!

Who is the most famous French ant?
→ Napoleant!

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?"

"What's the matter with you?" asked his father.

"Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
16. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
17. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
20. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
21. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
22. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
23. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
24. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
25. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.
26. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
27. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
    January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
28. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly, "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go in pairs!

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.