Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.

What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
→ Because 4 inches isn't enough.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
→ Swim for it...

Why don't anteaters get sick?
→ Because they are full of antibodies!

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

- Bartender: Yeah! Sure...go ahead.

- Man: What covers a house?

- Dog: Roof!

- Man: How does sandpaper feel?

- Dog: Rough!

- Man: Who was the greatest ball player of all time?

- Dog: Ruth!

- Man: Pay up. I told you he could talk.

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn

What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"

Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!