Most viewed jokes

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.

The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.

- Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun.

This, of course was met with much ridicule.

They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat.

- Simple, we're going at night!

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks:

- Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said:

- No Rastus you cain't!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said:

- Alright if'n it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her:

- Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?

Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him:

- Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies:

- What's that?

- Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies:

- Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
→ You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

- Teacher: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence.

- Johnny: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender:

- I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

- Shay mishter, tashte this!

The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

- That tastes like pee! - he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies:

- It ish. Now how old am I?

- A few crumbs short of a crouton.

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- A few beers short of a six-pack.

- A few peas short of a casserole.

- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

- One taco short of a combination plate.

- A few feathers short of a whole duck.

- All foam, no beer.

- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- As smart as bait.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

- Forgot to pay her brain bill.

- Her sewing machine's out of thread.

- If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

- Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

- How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

- The elephant has a better memory.

How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
→ They both wear stripes!