Most viewed jokes

Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?
→ Because it's a 'mane-lion' station!

What people travel the most?
→ Romans.

Why was Dracula always willing to help young vampires?
→ Because he liked to see new blood in the business.

How can you spell too much with two letters?
→ XS (excess).

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at other people's lights.

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot?
→ A polygon.

While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked:

- When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy, a well known botanist says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world.

The second guy, an ornithologist, says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations.

The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies:

- I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!'

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:

- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!

What's an extroverted accountant?
→ One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.