Most viewed jokes

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered:

- Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk - she replied - Oh Henry, what a Whopper.

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed:

- Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's. It wasn't long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M, but I said:

- Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese's pieces.

- Don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed:

- Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers - as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped:

- BABY RUTH.

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses.

- You know, honey - she said sweetly.

- Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.

- Honey - he replied with a grin.

- Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!

Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?
→ Because it's a 'mane-lion' station!

Do you know how to catch a squirrel?
→ Climb a tree and act like a nut!

What do you call a vampire in a raincoat?
→ Mack-u-la!

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

- Well - the man began.

- I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why?' She replied, 'Because I love you'.

How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
→ His heart stops bleeding.

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE