Most viewed jokes

When he's out driving, where does Dracula like to stop and eat?
→ The Happy Biter.

What did one tooth say to the other?
→ Get your cap on, the dentist is taking us out tonight.

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said:

- How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said:

- You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before.

He tore off his pants and said:

- Look at this. It's still in the crate!

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said:

- Don't you know how to ride a bike?

- Yes - he answered - but I don't know how to ring the bell yet

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Kleptomaniac Barbie ...doll with suction cup hands

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.

After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came:

- Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...

- I bet you're not now!

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts:

- SCREW THE CHILDREN!!

Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts:

- YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.