Most viewed jokes

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

1. Don't call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"
12. Deny everything. Everything.
13. Don't have a clue.
14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
17. Lie.
18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."
19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.
20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
26. Lie.
27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.
29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.
31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.
32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.
35. Practice your blank stare.
36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.
39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
40. Lie.

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:

- Ah, you're lovely, aren't you? - she says to the first dog.

- What's your name?

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her:

- My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog:

- And what's your name then?

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her:

- My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says:

- your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

"No," replies the last dog:

- My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

- My goodness! - the woman exclaimed - sounds like leasing a new sports car!

- Humm - the doctor murmured - too obvious, huh?

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

- What's wrong with you? - she asked him.

- Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? - he replied.

- And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.

Baffled, she said:

- yes, I remember. So?

- Well...

- I would have gotten out today!

Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says:

- I have something to tell you about your child..

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says:

- What's wrong with it?

The doctor says:

- There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?" The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female." The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?
→ The Lizard of Oz!