Most viewed jokes

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask for directions.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
→ So men can be open minded.

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
→ They are all married.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups:

- Get a `long` little doggie!

Sign in a cafeteria:

- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.

In pencil beneath the sign:

- Socks can eat anyplace they want.

Sign on a music library's door:

- Bach in a minuet.

Sign in a restaurant window:

- T-bone steak $1

Then, in fine print underneath:

- With meat $12

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads:

- Today's special.

Below it says:

- So's tomorrow.

Sign on restaurant window:

- Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:

- Drive carefully. We'll wait.

Sign in a Maine restaurant:

- Open 7 days a week and weekends.

Sign in school:

- In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked:

- Are they relatives of yours?

- Yes - his wife replied - I married into the family.

When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot. The cannibal turned to his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'

- Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.

- Pilot: Not if I do it right.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially:

- Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

- Why no Ma'am, what is it?

- Did we land or were we shot down?

How to Annoy People at Work

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Practice making fax and modem noises.
3. During meetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentaly" flip the cartridge across the room.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5. ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON
6. type only in lower case.
7. dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither
8. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
10. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.

Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks:

- And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson replies:

- I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her:

- Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

Mrs. Johnson yells:

- Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

- ( ) the tooth could not be found

- ( ) it was not a human tooth

- ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

- ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

- ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

- ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

- ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

- ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

- ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

- ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

- ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

- ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

- ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

- ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

- ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

- [ ] string

- [ ] pliers

- [ ] gunpowder

- [ ] hammer marks

- [ ] chisel

- [ ] part of skull attached to tooth

- [ ] no dental care

- ( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said:

- don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said:

- no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said:

- its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was...:

- Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!