Most viewed jokes

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
→ When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
→ A liquor cabinet.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?

- No

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power....

- A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

- Dad's New Wife Timothy

- Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

- How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

- Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag

- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

- Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

- The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

- Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures

- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

- The Tickling Babysitter

- Babar Meets the Taxidermist

- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

- Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse

- The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On

- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

- How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear

- When is Later?

- The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor

- Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed

- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky

- Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep

- How Far is Not Far?

- Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story

- The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"

- Things Rat Poison Looks Like

- Why Uncle Bud Falls Down

- Two Fingers in the Dike

- Back To School! A Munitions Primer

- Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice

- Things That Are Really Sharp

- How Dopey Got His Name

- Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

Dog Rules...

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
→ A foursome.

What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
→ A rebel without a clue!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
→ Last year's hide and seek champ.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
→ Divorced.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
→ A space invader.

What do you call a really smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
→ There I am!!

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
→ Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
→ Her IQ goes up.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries:

- DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

- Well of course you can't silly! - replies the Doc...

- I've cut off both of your arms.

Which condom would you use....

- Nike Condoms: Just do it.

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

- Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

- Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

- New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

- California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

- Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

- KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

- Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

- Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

- Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

- The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

- General Electric: We bring good things to life!

- AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

- Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

- Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

- Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

- M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

- Chevron: use them? people do.

- Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

- MCI: for friends and family

- Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

- The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

- Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

- United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

- The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

- Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

- Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

- Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

- Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

- McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

- Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

- Burger King: Have it your way

- Dairy Queen: We treat you right

- AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

American Express calls and says:

- Leave home without it!

- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

- Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

- Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

- You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

- You receive care packages from Europe.

- Your bologna has no first name.

- You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

- You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

- McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Consumer Credit Counseling services said:

- No.

- The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said:

- Ooh dad, there's one.

- No - said the father.

- There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said:

- Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.

- No - the father said.

- We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said:

- Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.

- No - said the father.

- We'll not eat her either.

- Why not? - asked the son.

- Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.