Most viewed jokes

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked:

- Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted:

- If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed:

- Bring me my brown pants!

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat + Chronicle, January 29

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

- Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!

- Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks?

- Pupil: What does it spell then!

- Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.

- Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.