Most viewed jokes

Have you seen the polish mine detector.
→ Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.

A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.

How do you make a Venetian blind?
→ Poke him in the eye

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
→ A big mac.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...

10. She's a goblin!
11. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
12. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says:

- You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.

- Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!

He looks at the genie and says:

- We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!

The genie nods and says:

- You got it, boys!

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out:

- You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?

- Whadaya talking about? - the other fisherman answers.

- I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?

- I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!

My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

- Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)

- Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics

- Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics

- Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

- Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics

- Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics

- Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics

- Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics

- Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics

- Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics

- Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics

- Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics

- German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)

- Candain-American Speak -- EH?onics

- Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.

What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.