Most viewed jokes

Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't?
→ Aardvarks don't have trunks!

What have an apple and an orange got in common?
→ Neither of them can drive a tractor!

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

- Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

- Indian: Dog no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

- Dog: Doin' alright.

Indian: shows extreme look of shock

- Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? (pointing at Indian)

- Dog: Yep

- Cowboy: How does he treat you?

- Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: shows look of disbelief

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

- Indian: Horse no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

- Horse: Cool.

Indian: extreme look of shock

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at Indian)

- Horse: Yep.

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: shows total look of amazement

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

- Indian: Sheep Lie!

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

- Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply..

- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

- Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

- Your legs are skinnier than mine.

- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

- You still live with your parents.

- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, ________

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?
→ Lefty!

What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler?
→ Broom sick.

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

- You don't have to let your wife bully you, - he said.

- Go home and show her you're the boss.

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled:

- From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?

- I certainly do, - said his wife calmly.

- the undertaker.

A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said:

- Hello.

- Are you the game warden? - she asked.

- Yes.

- Finally Ah've got the right person! - she said.

- Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?