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Sheep
You momma is so fat, she needs a sheep for a tampon!
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Photocopier Signs
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships:
- DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation:
- Belt your family. It's the law.
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula:
- Broken English spoken perfectly
At an Applebee's restaraunt:
- NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!
Fitness Center sign:
- Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts.
In restaurant:
- Open seven days a week and weekends.
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc:
- Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines:
- A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS
A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii:
- Caution: Nuts crossing road.
Dolphin Decision
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
→ Flipper coin!
Big White Bear
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
→ A polo bear!
Guest
Going to a Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
- What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? - said the officer.
- I'm going to a lecture. - the man said.
- And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? - the cop asked.
- My wife. - said the man.
Guest
The Cannibal King
The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in.
- Your Majesty - he said, the slaves are revolting!
- You don't have to tell me - said the king.
- I'm trying to eat them. Where did we get these slaves anyway?
- From the country next door - replied the servant.
- We must get a new butcher - said the king.
- Bring me Delia Smith.
- We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you.
- Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough - said the king.
Guest
Wicked Young Accountants
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
→ Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Guest
Aardvark Overeats
What does an aardvark get when he overeats?
→ Ant-digestion!
Guest
Animal In The Bath
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
→ A little bear!
Guest
Road-Killed Lawyer
What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?
→ There's skid marks in front of the deer!