Most viewed jokes

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

- I'm going to have a boy! - she declared.

- The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too.

- I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was:

- I'm going to have a puppy!

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
→ A doyouthinkhesaurus!

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads:

- pull lever and end world.

The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read...:

- better Nate than Lever!

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender:

- How much for a beer?

The bartender replies:

- For you, no charge.

What did one casket say to the other?
→ Was that you coffin?

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

- WHAT FOR?!?!? - he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:

- Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

- That's all right. You don't have to pay now.

The guy replied...

- I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!

The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
→ "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
→ "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
→ "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
→ "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
→ "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
→ Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.