Most viewed jokes

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
11. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
12. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed:

- I can't talk now... I'll call you later.

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
8. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
9. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
10. When you call her, she answers your voice with:

- Oh. It's only you.

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
4. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?
→ To keep the swelling down.

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown?
→ "Does this taste funny to you?"

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
→ She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?

For those of us folks who chat on line too much?

If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'bly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.

Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!

It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.

Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!

Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?"

Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great," says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3,000. I'll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit" "OK" "Thanks" says Peter and now the Jew.

He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.

The price is $2,900... That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the colored guy!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump.

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'