Most viewed jokes

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:

- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says:

- No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ What's a light bulb?

What's the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?
→ An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!

What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
→ Kitchy-kitchy-koo.

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:

- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

Wee jordy says:

- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says:

- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.

- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.

He says:

- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

"No!" she says...

- by the tilt in your kilt!

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

- How did this happen? - the emergency room doctor asked her.

- Well, I was trying to commit suicide - the blonde replied.

- What? - sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?

- No, Silly! - the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...

The red head said:

- I am going to be the first woman to land on mars.

The brunette said:

- I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn.

The blonde said:

- I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun.

- How are you going to do that - the other two asked.

- Simple - said the blonde.

- I'll go at night!

- Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table!

- It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune!