Most viewed jokes

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

- How did this happen? - the emergency room doctor asked her.

- Well, I was trying to commit suicide - the blonde replied.

- What? - sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?

- No, Silly! - the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

- Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table!

- It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune!

- Waiter, what is this stuff?

- That's bean salad sir.

- I know what it's been, but what is it now?

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:

- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.

She says:

- Why all the clocks in the window?

And he says:

- And what should I have in my window?

Why do people go to bed?
→ Because the bed won't come to them.

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

- How come? - his nephew asked.

- My plane has been grounded - Brendan explained.

- Grounded? - the little boy said.

- I didn't know planes had parents.

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question:

- What is two and two?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was:

- Twenty-two.

The second was a social worker. She said:

- I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question.

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him:

- How much is two and two?

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice:

- How much do you want it to be?

He got the job.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

What nationality are you if you're going to the bathroom?
→ European

And what nationality are you if someone's knocking on the door while you're going?
→ You're a Russian.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
→ A carrot! (boom tish!!)