Most viewed jokes

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ Because you can see right through him.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

One blond says to another:

- How did you die?

- I froze to death - says the second.

- That's awful - says the first blonde.

- How does it feel to freeze to death?

- It's very uncomfortable at first - says the second blonde.

- You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

- I had a heart attack - says the first blonde.

- You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head:

- What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

- Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

- Because I'm not a liberal Democrat.

- Then - asks the teacher.

- What are you?

- Why I'm a proud conservative Republican - boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

- Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.

The teacher, now angry, loudly says:

- That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?

The teacher paused and smiled.

- Then - Lucy said.

- I'd be a liberal Democrat.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

- Very well - said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

- But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.

- I know, and that's all right - Satan answered unperturbed.

- We've got all the umpires.

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:

- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says:

- No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!