Most viewed jokes

Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager

10. Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
11. "Metal Mouth" and "Tinsel Teeth" have replaced your real name.
12. You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
13. Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
14. Even your zits have zits!
15. It's not safe to say the word "mall" around you.
16. Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.
17. You've gone from "A". . . to "B" . . . to "C" . . . cup!
18. If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.
19. If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!

Why is food better than men?
→ Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked:

- On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?

- Yes - whispered the girl, her head bowed.

- And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax? - the lawyer continued.

- Oh no - she replied.

- I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis.

A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
→ Elkaseltzer.

What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
→ A slippery customer.