Most viewed jokes

Who's aardvark's favorite male singer?
→ Frank Sinostril!

- You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?

- No, they've always been blue!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said:

- I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.

Adam looked grateful.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.

Adam looked thoughtful.

- This person - emphasized the Lord:

- will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!

Adam really looked relieved.

- And, lastly - said the Lord:

- She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

- O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?

- An arm and a leg - said the Almighty.

- Well - Adam then said:

- What can I get for a rib?

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said:

- Thank you, but my God will save me.

Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out:

- Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!

Once again she thanked him profusely and said:

- My God will save me.

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by:

- Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die.

She just smiled:

- My God will save me - she said quietly.

Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter:

- This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you.

Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied:

- You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?

God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:

- My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!

Why can't blonds work at the M & M Factory?
→ They throw out all the "W"s.

Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !

Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!

Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!

What did mary say to santa during the storm?
→ Look at that rain, dear!

Where do plumbers buy there presents?
→ Bath!

Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
→ Because there is a lot of space!

What is the use of reindeer?
→ It makes the garden grow sweetie!

How many legs does rudolph have?
→ Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!

What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
→ Squash!

Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
→ To see what made it run!

What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
→ Reg!

Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
→ No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer

Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
→ Because they lace there boot too tight!

What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
→ A herring aid!

Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
→ Measles!

Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
→ Leeds!

Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
→ Redcar!

Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
→ Newcastle!

What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
→ Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.