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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.

- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.

- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.

- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.

- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.

- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. Repeat number 9......

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

- Do you always carry such heavy luggage? - she sighed.

- No more - the man said.

- Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!

- And will there be anything else, sir? - the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

- No thank you - the gentleman replied. - That will be all.

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

- Anything for your wife? - he asked.

- Yeah! That's a good idea - the fellow said. - Please bring up a postcard.

Camp Woodland was across the road from a dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull.

- Is that bull safe? - someone asked the farmer.

- Safer than you are! - was his answer.

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

- Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about - said the city slicker - but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?

- Time? - said the farmer.

- What does time matter to a pig?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tonya Harding Barbie ...you didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?

What did the mouse say to the webcam?
→ Cheese.