Most viewed jokes

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said:

- I don't like Chinese.

The F.O. replied:

- Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?

The Captain said:

- You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.

The F.O. said:

- Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese.

And the Captain answered:

- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike.

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said:

- No like Jew.

The Captain replied:

- Why not? Why don't you like Jews?

- Jews sink Titanic - Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him:

- No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.

- Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

- No, thank you - Mrs. Watkins replied.

- The Lord will provide.

The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

- Don't trouble yourself - she told him.

- The Lord will provide.

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting:

- The Lord will provide.

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

- What happened? - she cried.

- For cryin' out loud, lady - God said - I sent three boats!

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

What goes up when you count down?
→ A Rocket Ship!

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".

- Yes - she replied.

- All three sons are named Leroy.

- Why would you do that? - inquired the government worker.

- It makes it much easier to get things done - was her reply.

- Leroy, time for bath.

And they all would get in the bath.

- Leroy, time for supper.

And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

- Oh that's easy - she replied.

- I just call them by their last name.

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

- There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, - he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

- What the heck am I doing? - he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop, - he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go, - said the officer.

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her:

- Why the turkey and Santa?

She replied:

- I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!