Most viewed jokes

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
→ To catch her false teeth.

The Polish Medical Dictionary:

• Anti-Body - against everyone
• Artery - study of paintings
• Bandages - The Rolling Stones
• Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails
• Botulism - tendency to make mistakes
• Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U
• Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
• Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
• Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty
• Cauterize - made eye contact with her
• Colic - sheep dog
• Coma - punctuation mark
• Congenital - friendly
• Cortisone - the local courthouse
• D & C - where Washington is
• Dilate - to live long
• Enema - not a friend
• Enteritis - a penchant for burglary
• ER - the things on your head that you hear with
• Fester - quicker
• Fibrillate - to tell lies
• Genes - blue denim slacks
• Genital - non-Jewish
• Hangnail - coat hook
• Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space
• Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room
• Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
• ICU - peek-a-boo
• Impotent - distinguished, well known
• Inpatient - tired of waiting
• Labor Pain - hurt at work
• Medical Staff - a doctor's cane
• Minor Operation - coal digging
• Morbid - a higher bid
• Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate
• Node - was aware of
• Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move
• Organic - organ repairman
• Outpatient - a person who has fainted
• Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
• Pathological - a reasonable way to go
• Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
• Post-Operative - a letter carrier
• Protein - in favor of young people
• Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture
• Rectum - what happened to the Corvette
• Red blood count - Dracula
• Rheumatic - amorous
• Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat
• Secretion - hiding something
• Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
• Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire
• Tablet - a small table
• Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
• Tibia - country in North Africa
• Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
• Tumor - an extra pair
• Urine - opposite of "You're Out"
• Varicose - nearby
• Vein - conceited

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

- You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"

- Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again

- Your phone bill is delivered in a box

- You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

- All of your friends have an @ in their names

- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.

- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape3.01"

- You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

- You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)

- Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button

- Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

- Who made that tackle? - asked the ant.

- I did - said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked:

- Who made that great stop?

- I did - said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede:

- Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied:

- Puttin' on my shoes!

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:

- Damn, some asshole has my pen!

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours - Clem recalled.

- That sounds wonderful - said Jed.

- Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaa...

- Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup!

- It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir!

- Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials?

- Because nothing about this food is special.