Most viewed jokes

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system. Thou shalt not hack.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
→ Ah thought ah paid it!

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"

The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."

The lieutentent is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.

The next friday, the young lieutentent slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.

The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenent! What are you doing."

"Come on man," replied the embarrased officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays."

"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But most of us just ride them into town."

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
→ The knocking gets slower.

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
→ The knocking gets faster.

How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
→ The bass player notices.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
→ A drummer.

What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
→ Homeless.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

• A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
• Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
• When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
• A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
• A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
• A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
• You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
• A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
• A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
• You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
• If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
• Modems come with an instruction manual.
• Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.